i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
