omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize