Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
