It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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