I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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