the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
