Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
