I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
