I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
