I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
