My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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