youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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