I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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