They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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