Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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