You can't motorboat a personality
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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