I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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