i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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