Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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