I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I deserve this hangover.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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