i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
