Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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