Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
