I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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