I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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