glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
