dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Randomize
