im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
