if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Boobs speak an international language.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize