I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
