Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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