She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
