Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
