i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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