i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
