Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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