i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
