i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize