overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
