im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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