im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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