So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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