All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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