You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
