how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
