Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
