AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
