Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Randomize
