Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
