My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
50% drunk capacity currently
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
