someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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