the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
