My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
