We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
