gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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