I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
