He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
