How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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