I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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